Thursday 13 December 2007

Ketchup? Of course sir!


I sat in a restaurant in Benin City, at the Plaza hotel, mind-you, but it is not the kind you might expect in the good ol' USA! Here the only American thing is how they greet you: ' Yuh ah wulcum suh!' Everyone says it: from the security guard at the boom gate, to the receptionist, to the waitress, and they say it every time they see you. After a week you begin to accept the fact that you are welcomed!
So as I sat, waiting for my belated breakfast (you wait quite long for any orders, it is African time as far as everything is concerned including food on the menu) they brought my omelette, flat as a pancake. There were hints of ham and tomato. No cheese today. I wondered if I should roll it up or add some flavour and after due deliberation chose the latter as the better option.
'Any tomato sauce here?' I enquired of the waiter.
' No,' came the reply.
'Any kind of sauce?'
'We have ketchup.'
'Ok, I'll have the ketchup if you don't have any tomato sauce!'
'Yuh uh wulcum suh!'
It took a while for the ketchup bottle to arrive. I thought of a ditty we used to say at table: 'shake oh shake the ketchup bottle: first nothing will come and then a lottle!' The waiter finally arrived with the bottle of tomato sauce - at least that is what is written on the label. I tried to take it from him, but he seemed quite possessive and withdrew the bottle, informing me in no uncertain terms that he would pour the ketchup on my food. That he did - he unscrewed the top and poured in onto my flat omelette in no small measure! And then, this is the crux of the story: he proceeded ceremoniously to lick the top of the bottle clean with his protruding tongue!
My eyes were riveted on the ritual - surely it is a ritual because it was done in such style and audacity, I gathered that he had at least done this a thousand times before. There was no hesitation, no qualms, no inhibitions, no fear of man!
He closed the bottle with the lid. It was clean. Licked clean. And now, my eyes slowly lowered to my plate and my stomach turned...I had doubts, lots of them, and qualms, overwhelmed by them, and I was inhibited as well, but my fear was not the fear of man, but the fear of the ketchup that was poured from a previously licked tomato sauce bottle.
And all the other waitresses observed and watched as if to determine if this white man from the deep south would be man enough to stomach the sauces from this part of the world.
I took a deep breath and raised my knife and fork as a good soldier would, said, goodbye cruel world and plunged into my omelette, with such dexterity that before anyone could say Jack Rabbit I had consumed the entire helping and licked my own lips clean. I did not need any help doing that! No Sir, I was man enough to lick my own lips. If a man could not lick the communal ketchup bottle clean, then the least a man can do is lick his own lips! That I did, with aplomb!
'Did yuh enjoy yuh meeel Suh?'
'Yes, I did. And thanks for the ketchup!'
'Yuh uh wulcum Suh!'
I have never in my life seen a cleaner ketchup bottle or tomato sauce one either!
The next morning I ordered oats. Yea, oats, the stuff horses eat. Its very good for the digestion they say. I convinced myself that I needed no ketchup for the oats porridge. The waiter approached me after the oats: ' Yuh not havin omelette tuhday, Suh?'
'Not today, no!'
'Yuh wulcum Suh!'
As I strolled out of the punishment camp of a restaurant, I thought to myself, not today, not tomorrow and not ever again! My thoughts were so loud in my head that I turned around to see if anyone else heard what I was thinking! But they all went on their merry way doing their chores, waiting for the next prey to ask for tomato sauce.
Yea, a cruel place, Africa! One has to walk silently in the jungle...and bring your own ketchup bottle through customs!
Yea, this is based on a true event. There are more instalments of this nature awaiting the brave blog reader!

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Just before reading your blog this morning I was thinking about how ignorance blinds people and how it keeps them in darkness...I came to the conclusion that ignorance is darkness' weapon and darkness is ignorances' objective...

After reading "Ketchup? Of course sir!", I spent the rest of the morning thinking about it, and what came to mind was a frase that I heard in a Steven Seagul movie where he asks a rude man that he is trying to beat ignorance out of, "What does it take to change the essence of a man?", and the man responds, "Time, it takes time", and Seagul responds, "So do I, so do I!"...

What will it take to change this world? Revealed teaching along a process of time...

...because after all "so do I, so do I..."

- Tony -

Anonymous said...

PS: "so do I"...meaning, so do I also need it...

Poverty to Prophet said...

Mrs P and i have decided that the next time we visit we will bring our own ketchup bottle! Jenny will definitely not have ketchup in SA from now on.

Anonymous said...

I wonder if they do the same with the wine...that would explain a lot of things...

:)